The myths of machismo: an exceedingly exaggerated buffoonish Male stereotype

"She literally shouted 'oh! Jeff' with her face wrinkled up, heart rate high, breathe so loud, arms holding tightly around my neck and her beautiful legs wrapping strongly around my waist"

Ever caught yourself in a helpless situation in some random small talk that are all about why you did what yet you are a man? Yes, they would always say, “Dude, Man up. That’s so sissy, leave it up for the chics”.  Ouch! Talk about below punches. Well this gets so under your skin. Society has culturally crafted what suits a man and that which should only be seen or heard from a woman. Our traditions are as confusing as they get each day firmly entrenching meaningless stereotypes and myths in our cultures. However, isn’t the stereotypes of what defines a man an exceedingly exaggerated buffoonish belief? Who crafted this ‘laws’?

Well, let’s talk about men.  First, from Angie’s perspective but not before I tell you who Angie is. I digress.  Angie is that lady I stumbled upon in Easy Coach on my return journey to Nairobi. There is little to report about her face but volumes about her behind and around the bosom. That sums it up. She is not important; her opinion is, or may be that the next day she literally shouted 'oh! Jeff' with her face wrinkled up, heart rate high, breathe so loud,  arms holding tightly around my neck and her beautiful legs wrapping strongly around my waist.  I just gave her what many ladies desire. Not one, but several.  Mind you am not Jeff, it’s a character I play to get the cookies pretty fast.

 Back to men. A man is not emotional and does not express affection, goes Angie’s ideal of what a man is. I am a bit emotional anyway, but look at our story. “Ladies are expected to reveal certain emotions while a man should always strongly suppress them. Men who have emotions are fearful and are not strong enough to take care of a lady or worse still a family”. She adds. Christen too concurs and the list of those who signed this petition is endless. I tell you if there was a referendum to rise from the dead Fidel Castro former president of Cuber to exterminate all emotional men, trust me,  I would invent a pill - emotion suppressant - out of necessity.  Definitely, not because me being alive would help Kenya be a first world country. Simply because, in my bucket list is my governors new fiancé. She was snatched from me when I sent her to negotiate a tender with him on behalf of my company. That’s the price I paid for that tender. Well, at least I now drive a blue Subaru plunging me in to the list of Njoki Chege's 'never to date' Men.

Secondly, “a man should not take selfies.” Winnie Kiziah, my beautiful cousin once reminded me following my photo update on facebook. Interesting. Men who take selfies are psychopaths, sociopaths, sissy, perhaps gay, attention seekers, shallow and the list of what they are continues. So, there is only one thing they are not, Men. A man should not even think, let alone mention taking photos of themselves. Selfies are for showing off cleavage, new weave of a broke dead Brazilian woman, over worn pajamas among the many silly things a Nairobi chic fancies. Perfectly a lady’s world. Look, a man should have at most three photos: one for their first day in school, another for their driver’s license and for the lucky ones who are married; one for their wedding, period. we should struggle during your funeral searching for your photos! So which of these defines me? OMG! I got an album of selfies.

A man should not be very neat and clean. Remember the word “very” is used on average cases. So a man should score slightly below average on cleanliness. How do I mean? Your bed should be unmade with the pillows more often on the floor than the bed, your kitchen sink filled with dirty utensils and a rotten smell often wafting around from your dust bin. The kind that reminds of urine poured in some container, left in the sun for a bit and then kept for a few nights. the socks should be all over the coffee table letting out that smell of a dead rat. You know warr i mean?

 A man should not oil their skin. Some white patches flaking out from your feet are necessary. Mwanaume ni kuparara (A man should have un-oiled skin). If one is a stonner, or a smoker, the ash tray should be half broken, one piece in the balcony and the other just right close to the TV stand angled in a manner likely to suggest it was kicked off from beneath the table. The ash should draw a discrete line of trace at least to suggest the initial position of the ash tray a fortnight ago. The butts should be found all over in a pattern from the balcony to the point of the ash tray. She should complain and feel the need to stay with you just to make your house a little neater. Yes, makes you more man!

The machismo and cultural practices crafted for men are endless. A man should not watch that Mexican soap opera despite its highest ratings. He should not: Punch the kitten unless it stares thirst-fully for his girl; do the ‘mani-pedi’ but let their toe nails grow out of control until their girlfriends or wife-mandated pedicure is a condition for continuing the relationship; bathe regularly; use a tissue paper; smile on a photo, wet their lips; know a complete lyrics to Beyonce’s song; care about fashion but style; expect to be praised for doing something they are supposed to do, like bonk her well; take cues about sex from a movie or something; wear white boxers; cheer a fellow man, say good night to a fellow man on a phone call; sit in a certain position; Dance with their buttocks facing East... Enough!

So that’s what a man should not. What should a man be then?

Done thinking? Now, would you put up with that kinda person? With his sloppy hygiene, a bed smelling like a goat pen, a house that resembles a car garage, and a skin behaving like a poshomill in a remote village in Kakamega churning out white flakes. For those who believe in these unfortunate stereotypical distortions, spare the man of today. Where did this ‘laws’ come from? What do they intend to achieve? How do you even get romantic in such an environment? A man is, because of his anatomy or manhood if you like and knows how to take care of the lady, raise a family.  It is in-discretionary, buffoonish, shallow and baseless to craft silly rules around a man simply because you want them to be in a certain way, which surprisingly if they were, you would still want them different.